September 10, 2025 by Kathleen Felton
‘Gray rocking’ is a way to deal with difficult people. Here’s how it works.© Chelsea Conrad/The Washington Post; iStock
Claudio Abilio had hoped to move on after ending a relationship she described as toxic and emotionally abusive. But continued interactions — for various reasons — became fraught with tension and drama, said Abilio, 36, of London.
Around this time, Abilio came across the “gray rock method” while scrolling TikTok.
The theory is that if you’re interacting with someone who is trying to manipulate or gaslight you, or has narcissistic personality disorder or displays narcissistic traits, they probably “want to get a rise out of you,” explained Julia Babcock, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Houston. “Even negative attention reinforces them, so you give them no reinforcement.” (This is different from stonewalling, when one person refuses to communicate at all, an approach that can damage relationships, Lee said.)
Abilio started tapping into the gray rock technique when she felt provoked by her ex. “It showed to this person that I’m not really willing to play those games,” she said. “You need to be strong enough to ignore it, even though inside of you it’s like, ‘I just want to reply to this.’”
When to use the gray rock method Scientists haven’t really studied the gray rock method in clinical settings. And some experts stressed that this technique is not recommended if you think someone might become violent. If you have concerns about your safety in a relationship, you should seek professional support immediately, Markley said. Depending on the situation, “it might not be safe to totally disengage from an abusive person,” she said.
by Washington Post 9/10/25